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Posted by Jason Fonceca on Jun 1, 2010 in Appreciation, Artists, Awareness, Featured, Inspirational, Life Coaching, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement, Success, Thought-Management | 2 comments
Nothing relates more to success than relationships, without them we are nothing.
As well, everyone has relationships, and this includes artists-on-their-way-to-success, and those relationships either add energy to your success, or drain it, and you hear all kinds of advice on this:
"You can change your partner and improve your relationship."
"You can’t force anyone to change."
These two ideas seem to conflict, but they don’t, not really. They synthesize into this:
"You can’t force people to change; you inspire people to change." – Me.
This involves a couple steps: 1) Be clear on what you want, and 2) Change yourself so that you inspire.
If your vision is blurry, will you hit your target? No.
If your lunch appointment keeps changing restaurants, will the two of you meet up well? No.
If you keep switching your attention from project to project, will they progress quickly and smoothly? No.
The same thing goes for relationship goals: It’s important to know specifically, what change you’d like to see and also to pick one change to focus on at a time.
This usually isn’t hard, because there are often issues that’ve been frustrating you and leaving some kind of unsettling, not-quite-right feeling in you, right?
It could be something simple like how they squeeze the toothpaste, or something more complex like they spend all your money.
It is those frustrations that propel us towards what we really want. Your boyfriend doesn’t communicate or commit? Get clear that you`re interested in elevated commitment and intimacy. Is your girlfriend a drain on finances? Maybe you want one that believes in you, uplifts, and raises your success. These wishes aren’t uncommon, and they’re not unattainable.
To achieve any desired relationship-results, we need to look at key operating principles at work in any relationship:
1. The Law of Attraction. This law when applied to relationships, means that all of us – everyone, without exception – attracts our perfect match at any given time. Like attracts like. People who think they`re victims of life, attract abusers. People who use people for sex, will attract those who use them for money. Brilliant successful artists, will attract radiant, beautiful counterparts. This is the most instrumental factor, by far and if you want to know more about it I have posts here and here. It also means that the key to attracting a proper match, is to be a proper you.
2. Everything changes. Or more appropriate to our subject, everyone grows. No person holds the exact same viewpoints on the exact same topics, unchangingly forever, throughout their life, even on big topics like wealth, health, love and sex.
3. Thoughts are ridiculously powerful. The only thing we truly control in life is the thoughts in our minds. Any control we can exert through coercion, bribery, manipulation, blackmail, fear, motivation, punishment, convincing, logic, etc. is generally transient and only moderately effective, and the results feel somehow… unsatisfying.
4. People fulfill expectations. If the majority of the time, you focus on someone’s shitty behaviour, they will fulfill your expectations. If you’ve ever seen a child (or a cat) behave one way with one person, and then drastically different with another, you can see the child quickly fulfill that particular adult’s expectations. Expectations are powerful.
5. People love to be around free, loving, trust-able human beings. It’s so easy to see people distance themselves from lonely, depressed, angry people, and it’s clear that a happy, smiling, loving person attracts close social connections and partnerships of many shapes and sizes. Be happy, inspire others.
So there we have it, 5 principles at work, but don’t worry it’s easy to put them all into action, immediately.
Are you inspiring change right now, this moment, in your partner? If you are, you probably wouldn’t be reading this post.
The way to affect change in others is to change yourself. Anyone can change, and anyone can lead the way to change.
Like any leader who wants change in his/her followers, it starts with being an awesome person. People naturally follow people who’re authentic, good-hearted, and who have vision.
That’s right, you’ve got to be an awesome person.
Sounds like a tall order, right?
In your relationship with someone who is behaving in ways you don’t prefer, all you have to do is improve your own feeling and out-look on things, to inspire change. You just have to lead a tiny, tiny, tiny bit more than you already are, because as soon as you alter your own thoughts and expectations, the awesome power of thoughts + expectations will kick in. Every good change in life comes from growing in ourselves, and being a bit more than what we are.
Let’s look at Jennifer + John. John, has grown up not expressing himself, he’s been burned in a number of relationships, and he is generally closed down and hates expressing himself emotionally, and his partner Jennifer desires for him to connect with her more, be more intimate, and to express his true feelings.
Jennifer can think of a few solutions, logically and they are: (1) I could just put up with it, which feels horrible. (2) I could start over with a new partner. (3) I could remain in the relationship but get my needs met elsewhere behind John’s back. (4) I could try and convince, coerce or persuade John in the direction I want.
These solutions from the logical mind… basically suck. You’re welcome to try them, by all means, and most people go through one or more of them, it can take a lot of time and energy.
If Jennifer wants John to change, but all she can talk about and focus on, is the anti-result — the fact that John "still hasn’t changed," or that she’s "tried everything with no results" — then what Jennifer is really doing is using The Law of Attraction, the Power of Expectation, and the Control of Her Thoughts to be a worried, caged person, who does EXPECTS John to stay the same. And he does.
There is another solution that the mind probably won’t come up with right away, which cuts to the real heart of the matter: Jennifer doesn’t believe in herself, or her ability to help her man feel like a success. John loves talking about success, feeling that his results make a dent in the world, and he’d talk about that and be intimate about that, all day long. Jennifer has to grow out of her comfort zones and repetitive patterns in order to meet up with the most passionate parts of John.
The more productive solution is for Jennifer to find some thoughts, some expectations, that feel good regarding the subject of her relationship and her partner John’s communication. If she can’t reach inside herself like a true leader, to inspire change, then change won’t show up.
No one’s asking for money. No one’s asking for precious time. Jen’s only being asked to find some good thoughts about John and to focus on those.
Things like "I love it when John speaks or shares at all, and I’d love more." or "I`m eager, ready, and willing to inspire John." or "I really appreciate my relationship, and it’s pretty good overall."
These are powerful, life-changing, relationship-changing thoughts.
Are they guaranteed to MAKE John do what Jen wants? No. Are they way more effective than any other solution she’s tried? Yes.
In another example, let’s look at Jack and Diane. Jack says: "When we first got together, Diane was interested in sex multiple times a day, and willing to try new things, it was heaven. As time passed she has become less and less interested, to the point where there’s nothing I can do or say to get her psyched about it. I don’t want to do anything that she doesn’t feel good about, but I also hate having an unfulfilling sex life. I’d really prefer to have a good sex life WITH Diane, and not just drop the relationship."
How do the universal principles above apply to this example?
Jack can go about his life, whenever sex comes up he can moan and groan, wish and agonize, that’s certainly one choice. Guess what, he’s tried it for months. The groaning and complaining hasn’t helped. Things have gotten worse.
Another option is that he can focus on the one thing he can control, his own thoughts. He can start appreciating things about his sex life, any little thing at all. There is always something to appreciate. Some people have abusive sex (and not in that good way
At the very least, Jack can appreciate the fact that Diane’s stagnating sex-drive has powerfully clarified his true inner desire for what he really wants in life. Before he may have drifted through life settling for an ok sex-life, and his experience with Diane has got him clear on his desire for a truly deep and intimate sex-life, ideally with Diane.
He can appreciate that she is a woman who was (and still is) capable of being with him in the way he wishes. That is something to appreciate.
He can appreciate that he once brought out the best in Diane, and has the hope of doing it again.
Be playful with it, try something new, be an artist. Or even better, be a scientist — Jack can stop analyzing and theorizing and realize that nothing he`s done has worked so far, all of society`s great solutions amounted to nothing big for him, and he can experiment. Change himself, and inspire change. He could get out into the world and deliver more value to people, and see if it changes the dynamic of the relationship. He could take a stand and explain that he`s been patient with Diane, but if she is not interested in working with him on solutions, then they are probably not meant to be together. He can increase the romance, attention and praise he gives Diane.
He can lead and inspire, but it means growing past his old patterns and comfort zones.
Caveat: There’s one more thing that’s oh-so-important: when you make changes to your own thoughts, when you step up towards bad@$$ solutions, remember that you can’t control another person, and as you change, they will have an opportunity to match you, to grow with you, and to think awesome thoughts of their own — if they choose not to, though, BE COOL WITH THAT.
Hopefully it’s clear that some of the most powerful, heartfelt, intuitive solutions are available to you, and chances are you’ve not tried the one’s outlined here. So what are you waiting for? Get out and try them! Then come back and let us know your success stories. Relationships should support art and success, not hold it down!