Is Your Child Gonna Die?

Yes, yes, they are.

At least, eventually. It seems pretty reliable that death comes to everyone.

But will your child die in the next week? I can almost guarantee not.

(Note: For those of you who happen to have a friend/child/relative precariously close to death, I’d really love it if you chose to take whatever good you can from this article, and not pick on rhetoric, humour, or poor phrasing )

Will you be killing your child if you support their dreams?

Again, I’m thinking not.

And yet, this is super-common thinking for many parents. They’ve bought into the myth that if they don’t personally hand-direct every choice their child makes, (as they may have for much of the child’s life) then their child is going to turn into a waste, or not contribute or… die.

The thing is, parents are people too, and they often get a bad rap. They’re powerful, they’re dedicated, and then sincerely want to help.

They have one of the biggest impacts on their children’s lives. Friends, workplaces and backgrounds change all the time but there are always parents that are influencing us in one way or another. It’s really easy for kids to blame parents for their disappointments or lack of success or being held back. It feels shitty, to the parents and the kids.

Our parents are awesome people who’ve invested in another human life, and you can’t really blame them for reacting strongly when their kid is sleeping in till 1pm and playing video games all day, when all they truly desire for their child is for them to get off your ass and make some changes in their lives. That’s right, changes.

(Of course, sometimes when the child gets the guts to make big changes, parents don’t always handle it so well )

 Parents truly have the best intentions with every action. They don’t nag because it makes them feel good. They nag because they have run out of ways to help you change, except for kicking you out, and nagging feels a LOT easier then taking THAT step. They feel like their kid is wasting away and that they’re supporting it and making it happen. They’ve been supporting a child for years and I bet they’ve been looking forward to a break. So when you’re 25, still living at home and they’re still, still, still waiting for a break, I can understand why they’d start to get worried and stressed.

Imagine you’ve spent 22 years raising your little rug rat and you’ve given him awesome guidance, tool and support and will continue to do so no matter what. Here’s where it gets tricky. Your lovely son or daughter is still at home at 22 and not doing a whole lot with their life. You would love to see them out there in world making money, contributing to the world and being the fantastic person you raised them to be. It’s tough though, when they’ve been ‘half-finishing’ the same things for 22 years now, and you’re ready for a change but its not happening. From society, conditioning and our friends, parents default to just nagging kids into change or trying to coax or bribe them into doing something, ANYTHING.

There’s another way. Let them go. Drop the nagging, and drop whatever else is bothering you. If keeping them around the house with their half-finished projects feels bad to you, stop it. Tell them how much you believe in them. How you see so much potential in them. Not only that but tell them how you are really feeling. If you’ve never communicated deep feelings with your kids before, person-to-person, this may feel awkward, but sharing feelings is a natural human action.

Maybe you feel like you’re supporting their laziness and lack of action, but you can choose to support them in many different ways. You don’t have to keep doing what you’ve been doing. Perhaps you can offer to pay first and last months rent for them, or give them financial support. You can support them with time and an impending deadline by saying “I love you and will help you in anyway I can but it’s time for you to spread your wings," or you could withdraw all other support but brainstorm ideas, contacts, and connections to help them with their plan, vision, purpose, or project. And these are just tip of the iceberg!

Anyway, we had huge response to our Does Your Family Love You? post from a child’s perspective, here’s the follow up from a parent’s perspective.

Enjoy

Are you a leader or a follower?

Ever heard that question before? Ever seen a movie that applauds leaders and dismisses followers? Ever had a conversation where person A labels person B, who likes to follow the trends, a "sheep," with disgust? Ever trash-talked a politician, boss, or parent as a "garbage leader?"

These themes and ideas about leading and following, come up often because people, deep down, wish they had a handle on the subject. "Do I call myself a leader? A follower? Do I make fun of one or the other?" People have very mixed signals and beliefs about the topic.

Beliefs are very important to people, and almost everyone has incredibly strong personal beliefs about whether leaders are "good", or followers are "bad" or the opposite.

Yeup, you know if you’ve got an opinion, and you know if you have a label to toss around.

Here’s the thing though, (listen up!): everyone is a leader, and a follower.

Choose One For Fun

Variety rocks. It’s a big part of what makes life interesting, switching from one thing to another. Sure, there may be one thing that suits you most of the time, but playing around with them almost always helps. Choose to play around with the roles of leader and follower, have fun with it. By having fun with it, you acquire an understanding of what makes a good leader or follower. You acquire an understanding of what makes a good leader when you learn to follow. You acquire an understanding of what makes a good follower when you learn to lead. The ying and the yang; you can’t have one without the other, and they complement each other well. We often tend to prefer one or the other but being able to use either one at the right time makes life smooth and easy. Who doesn’t want life to be smooth and easy? You may already have switching from leader to follower down pat. So well in fact that you don’t even realize you’re doing it.

What If I Can’t Tell The Difference?

Let’s clarify:

Leaders… if you’re leading, you tend to make the final decision. You choose a direction. People ask you for your opinion and often seem hesitant or unsure until they get it. They look to you for guidance. This role often comes with some ‘responsibility.’ This can be seen when sometimes a-not-so-adept follower will blame the leader (person who had a large part in the decision) for something. A good leader will learn to accommodate this with understanding and a) be willing to take the blame and b) also lead into a new way of thinking quickly. Just because a person makes a mistake doesn’t mean they suck (or that they’re a bad leader) and it certainly doesn’t mean that we should all spend hours and hours focusing on such things.

Followers… If you’re following you tend to be ready and willing, but are looking for guidance. You lean one way or another, but usually avoid making a direct, committed decision and instead ask the people around you for their opinions, looking for them to take on the leadership role. If a leader does not come forth, you may feel like you have to do it or no one else will. Often this kind of thinking leads to anxiety and worry. Deep down, you’d much prefer to have someone else making the decisions and allow you to just continue giving input and leaving final calls up to them, and enjoying life in this way.

Note: It’s important to keep in mind that we all are leaders and followers at different times, in different moments and different situations. If you’re a master chef, it will feel very natural to be the leader in the kitchen. If you’re trying to make a website and have no idea what HTML is, then there’s a good chance you’d want someone else to be the leader in that area. Or maybe one second you were following, but inspiration struck and you suddenly transformed into the leader.

The Leader/Follower Contradiction

My experience has been that a defining factor of a great leader is the willingness to let others lead. It’s may seem a bit weird, but there it is.

“You got the power to let power go?” – Kanye West, Power.

We all have our own ways of learning things. Some people find that they need to butt heads and fight in order to be a leader and maybe they need to mess up quite a few times in order to understand how to really, smoothly, be a leader. Realizing that it’s okay to mess up as a leader, and it’s okay to allow a leader to mess up without resistance, helps. It works out. It’s okay.

It’s never quite clear what another’s story and path will be, and if they’re leading down a rocky shortcut, it’s often best to step out of the way let them have their fun, and then be there if they have questions or are ready to let a more skilled leader take over. Other times we will come across someone who just plain leads better than we do, at least in a certain areas. This is an amazing opportunity to let go and take a few hints on how we can improve our own leadership.

I personally enjoy following more than leading. We’re all leaders, but when I choose to follow, I follow only the best. That’s not to say I don’t love to step up when the time is right and flex my awesome leadership-skills. I really do. But, I often surround myself with amazing leaders who make it enjoyable and safe for me to let go and enjoy the flow of life. Being a good follower has a lot to do with letting go, and taking on the attitude of “I’m happy doing anything.” A leader who suits you will, of course, take you into account as they make decisions and want to help keep you happy and smiling. They’re going to make decisions that you’ll enjoy. Often times a leader’s satisfaction comes from an awesome follower, they get off on accomplishment and appreciation. (They like to lead you towards getting shit done and helping the cause.)

The First Follower is Still A Leader

Derek Sivers is a pretty cool dude, and he gave a talk at TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) on how a follower is still a leader. He used the example of the first follower, pointing out that a leader is someone who pioneers a different direction.

When he does this, he looks like a complete nut, and is doing something new, which is great, but the response from the general populace is often poor. Most people simply don’t have access to the vision, openness, and creative thinking needed to see the leadership in the guy who looks like a freak/rebel. They DO have the ability to join a bandwagon though. So that Leader, really needs a first follower.

This means that the first follower has to distance themselves a bit from their peers, and start liking and praising the nutcase-leader-person.

That takes guts. That takes courage. That takes someone acting like a leader.

The first follower is still a leader.

If You Get This, Life Rocks More

Learning to "feel out" when to be a leader or follower has made all my relationships much smoother. It also taught me about being aware of, and sensitive to, when others would prefer to be a leader or a follower.

When someone is arguing about going somewhere or making some decision their way, there is a good chance they are craving a leadership role. If their ideas come out with worry or confusion or hesitation, perhaps they’re just waiting for a strong leader to show themselves, and take the lead. Worry and tension comes out because the leadership position is not a position they feel comfortable in (at the time) nor do they truly want it. It shows up more as a, “If I don’t do it no one will,” kind of deal.

When you understand these subtleties, you can figure out whether to give them what they want or that it’s time to hang around someone else

First Time Hearing This? Wanna Discuss More?

You may be the first person in your group of friends, or workplace, or relationship that is exploring this. It can be a very sensitive issue, and a lot of people have been traumatized in their experiences with it, and may not be open to discussing it. Be gentle when you approach others about it, or discuss it more with others who get it first. There are people who get this stuff. Celebrities and their entourages usually have a decent handle on it, as do successful CEOs, soldiers, etc., or hey… try us here at SpiritSentient.

It Really, Really Helps

An understanding of whether you should be leading or following at any given time, is massively helpful. For me it’s the most helpful in my intimate relationship, and I can really speak to it’s awesome power in that area. I’m sure it can help in business, with prospects and employees and bosses and whatnot, but for me it’s most magnified in romantic relationships. Fights and arguments emerge when two people want the helm. Figure out what you prefer (in general, and in each moment) and then talk to your partner. Getting on the same page with your partner will be the fastest and easiest way to see the massive power of understanding the leader/follower dynamic.

A really interesting synchronicity is that Jeanette Maw of Good Vibe Blog recently posted an article on leading as a life strategy, using the metaphor of leading a loose dog back in the house. Check it out.

And a really in-depth, helpful resource: Followership @ Changing Minds.

Does your family love and support you and your choices? Do they judge them?

A lot of people I know are the world’s upcoming visionaries, entrepreneurs, and celebrities. (This is my preferred crowd to hang with.)

A lot of them deal with a tremendous amount of pressure, extenuating circumstances, and b.s. from the people around them.

This is a hot button topic for so many. People fret and stress and worry over their family’s reactions, choices, and attitudes, doesn’t it seem like there’s a better way? Surely they’re wishing for a solution…

‘Law of Attraction’ says that these people are attracting all these unsupportive things — whatever, it’s cool, either way, I’d like to offer some inspiring words and a story to take to heart and mind.

I say that people attract all these things simply because they are too scared to take an honest, committed, clear stand on what they truly desire in their lives.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard some variation of "My family doesn’t support what I do / think / feel / choose," and this doesn’t even take into account the many times people fall asleep worrying over some tiff or argument with someone close to them.

Why does this keep happening? What can I do about it?

Well, I can give all you passion-pursuers, you up-and-coming pioneers and visionaries, a little (or much) inspirational ammo.

People have forgotten the power of clarity and committment. People have forgotten how to stand up and say what needs to be said, and do what needs to be done, for the good of all. It’s a slippery slope towards misery.

It doesn’t have to be this way though. They are amazing, uplifting, beautiful reminders available, and it felt like one flowed through me today.

What follows are some of the most powerful things I could think of, to give to all my friends and readers who’re surrounded by haters and are currently (but-not-for–long!) unsupported by the people they love.

All these words and info-graphics all came flowing out in a flurry of inspiration, enjoy

And by all means… if you like it, or feel it could benefit someone passionate you know (or someone who’s forgotten what it’s like to dream), please share it!

CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE!

P.S. If you like what I write, or feel I may have something else inspiring for you to connect with, I’d love it if you offered your support by grabbing my oh-so-powerful eBook, Idealution & Thoughtsperity, but if that’s not your cup-of-tea, help yourself with our Free Resources. Really. I mean it. More capable, happy, powerful people = a more capable, happy, powerful humanity.

And the primary tool for getting to these ideas, is reading. And there are so many different ways to read, everybody has their own preferred pace, on when and how and what they like to read, it’s all amazing.

Personally, I have a very long history with reading. I’ve been reading books or blogs non-stop almost everyday since I was about 14 years old, and along the way I picked up some powerful ways (at least, I think so), that help me absorb a lot of the most quality information in a relatively easy and fun way.

When I read something difficult, like “The Web of Life by Fritjof Capra” what I do is read it like a newspaper, and jot down all the words that I don’t know. I don’t really care about the word as I write them down, I just do it and then forget about it. Just like a newspaper, you’re never worried about if you skip a few words.

And then at the end of the reading session, I simply google, dictionary.com or wikipedia the words I don’t understand.

This is a great way for some of you to read the latest book from SpiritSentient, Idealution & Thoughtsperity, especially for some of our Japanese friends overseas and those still in Toronto, enjoying our website.

Hope you guys enjoy your new reading tool, and hopefully it will motivate you to conquer new paths of learning that were previously unavailable

Do you want to be the best? Can you imagine the feeling of the crowd cheering, family and friends bragging about you, and the world taking notice of your accomplishments?

This is a theme for humanity, being the best that you can be is a fantastic idea, that everyone loves. When’s the last time you heard someone say "Give it your 50%, half-assed effort man!"

This is not an uncommon dream, and it’s not even an uncommon experience. The world has more successful people than ever before, and these people all say the same thing when asked why they do what they do.

I do it because I love it. I do it for it’s own sake. I don’t care if others are looking or not.

Even I myself have this dream. Many people have noted that I’m already more skilled than many at a wide variety of things, and receive praise for them, but I don’t compare myself to others, and all I care about is my own personal mastery of life.

What is Mastery?

Mastery is a personal thing; it’s a degree of excellence that you feel personally. When you reach a level of growth you’re comfortable with in a particular area, you feel it’s ‘mastered’, you have a ’sense of mastery’ (at least for now).

Mastery is personal, because all that it really is, is the continual surpassing your own personal best. For some things, you’ll keep surpassing your personal best so quickly that you’ll also surpass everyone else’s as well. This transforms personal mastery into a social thing.

Mastery can become a social thing when the world wakes up and takes substantial notice of your achievement, and then they all get on the same page regarding your excellence and achievement. Whether they do this or not though, should ideally not affect your own pursuit of personal bests.

Even the humble Shaolin monks in China, who when asked, "Are you an expert martial artist?" answer sincerely: "No, I’m still learning and on the path of training for body and soul." The reality is, that they know in their hearts that they have the ability to take on a massive amount of the world in any form of martial arts ‘competition.’ They are basically ‘masters,’ and it comes from this paradoxical attitude of humbleness and deep-confidence.

People who excel at their craft… practice, they practice nearly every day, and it’s important to note that experts at anything work on foundation. Foundation, foundation, foundation.

Let’s imagine an audience watching an athlete. Now, the people who see a master athelete perform usually only see and pay attention to the power moves or the flashy displays but if you ask any real athlete, you’ll find out that every day he’s working on some form of pushups, sit-ups, and basic cardio, just like you or I would if we wanted to improve. Now, they may do it with their own style, and they may show a lot of personality in their variations, but at the core of it, they’re all stretching, warming up and then doing the basic movements. Even when they’re practicing the harder techniques, they’re often running through the basics as part of the process.

This habitual repetition of the basics can apply to anything. Take cooking, for example. If you cook, then you know how to make-up or look up a recipe online, put on your apron, prep the ingredients, add in some oil and begin cooking… voila! The basics are a big part of it. Of course, it can become more in depth from that point, but the basics are always gone through over and over (until maybe you acquire a few sous-chefs to rock things for you).

So if the basics are simple, and all the experts became experts simply by passionately pursuing them, why do people judge and hate on the difficulty of learning new things? You hear all kinds of nonsense.

Oh! It’s so hard!

I could never do that.

That must have taken years of training

Practice Is Mastery

Learning mastery is not difficult. In fact, mastery is not difficult, even though this is what most people repeat over and over. Mastery is a very, very, very, simple process, that may require some ‘difficult choices’, but it is not actually difficult.

Most experts seem to have invested "years of training", but the reality is that their core learning comes within a few months of intense passion. A lot of the other ‘years’ were really just the person adjusting their attitude and personal style, marketing themselves, and allowing themselves to feel inspired about expanding their personal craft in every way imaginable.

Before I became an expert creative-thinker, I took inspiration from everything. I spent hours speed-reading books, copying comics, drawing and writing for family, friends, and school. I collected music and movies and art and talked about it all with anyone who’d listen. I hung out with people who appreciated beauty, art, and creativity. I studied philosophy, religion, and inspiration in all walks of life. I read spiritual teacher after spiritual teacher, personal growth authors, and books about muses. I passionately pursued what I loved with my heart and soul — putting time into the basics, and appreciating others’ creative creations.

Before I became an expert conversationalist, I had millions (billions?) of conversations which I poured my heart and soul into. Many are what people would consider boring, or grunt-work. Many of them were ‘failures’, alienating people I truly desired to connect with. Many caused other parts of my life to suffer. It never phased me though, and I engaged in arguments, debates, story-telling, soul-sharing, advice-giving, empassioned listening, non-verbal chats, online, and much more. I connected with all races, ages, sexualities, religions, etc. I watched movies and tv rapt with attention at the exchanges, I watched high-brow humour and british comedy, making sure to follow well. All these things are very, very simple, especially when a lot of it were just ‘failures.’ Anyone can fail multiple times, right?

Eventually I succeeded, and eventually I ‘mastered’ it.

Note: When I call myself an expert I just mean that by the vast majority of my personal circle of contacts, most would consider me an expert. SpiritSentient is not big on comparisons to others, generally. Personally, I don’t have to think when performing the above 2 examples, they come easily and naturally.

You’re An Expert Already

You can easily apply this concept of foundations, practice and mastery, to anything you’re even remotely good at.

Are you any good at walking ? Got much practice? Do you fall often? Do you remember learning to walk? Do you remember that it was a bit scary and a new experience on your rubbery-toddler legs, but you still had a deep, passionate desire to walk, whether you fell or not? Do you remember focusing on the basics?

"If I can just stand up and stay steady, maybe soon I’ll move like Mom and Dad."

"Okay, if I can just take two steps, I’ll have part of it down. I’ll keep practicing those two until it’s easy and I can try for a third."

Ok, so maybe you don’t remember your thought processes when you were a child learning to walk, but the process is the same.

Everybody Wants Something

Everybody wants to be good at something, and everybody can be. You see, there is room for more than one master. Everyone is unique and adds their own personal style to things. These musicians did the same thing: The Beatles, Mozart, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Queen, Abba, Lady Gaga, and Black-Eyed Peas.

All of the above could be considered musical masters, and experts in their field. They all added their own uniqueness, style, and their own combination of gifts that go beyond the music. The Beatles focused their craft on short, poppy, catchy, danceables tunes. Mozart went with deep, transcendent, lengthy compositions. They were different masters for different parts of society in different time-periods.

By now, I’m sure you feel a deeper understanding of mastery and excellence.

We’d love for you to drop comparisons to others and focus on your personal best. You’re naturally inclined and passionate towards some things, you have a life on earth to use these passions, and add your own unique style and accents to it. The way of mastery is not hard, — don’t wait, get to doing what you love, we’re all waiting for it and we’ll appreciate it as soon as we realize it exists, so show us!

Are you good at something you want to share with others? Let us know in the comments.

I love SpiritSentient fans and readers, and feedback recently has been that people aren’t finding it super-easy to hunt down our best posts and I’d love to improve that situation. We used to have a search box, and I’ve always thought of doing a best of post. I’ve never done any kind of a re-cap post and I’ve been thinking about doing one for awhile, so here it is, some of my personal favourite posts:

2010

World-Shaper’s Manifesto – You!

Love & Sex: The Magnum Opus

Trick To Getting What You Want

15 Songs On How Jay-Z Is A Spiritual Guru

I Love Women

2009

Fame, Leaders, and Followers – What Are You Missing?

Careful What You Wish For

Rock-Climbing Is A Metaphor For Life

Playing With The Best

Value or Val-You?

2008

How To Get a Handle on Attention and Opportunities

Creative Boosts For Women Who Like Beautifying

Creative Boosts: 35 Visual Art Inspirations

2007

No- No- No- Limits

Thanks So Much

Though they may be a bit different, hopefully you’re able to find some value in some of our older posts. Thanks so much for your time and attention.

Last but not least, my favoritest of favorites, our:

Free Resources Page

There’s a quote by Pablo Picasso that goes something like, "All children are artists, the problem is staying that way."

I really like this quote, possibly because I view life as an exercise in creativity and artistry. Have you ever had something awkward happen in your life, or someone bring something awkward to yourself or your circle? Maybe you’ve had a hater comment on your blog, maybe you’ve had a supervisor attack you back-handedly in the workplace, maybe you’ve had a family member of significant other pick on a rather obvious ‘failing’.

All these things generally suck The trick is turning the experiences into value.

You Were Born With This Ability

Kids are naturally masters at turning b.s. into value. The main artistic difference between most children and most adults is that children appreciate and create value out of every single thing. They’re playful and happy and they don’t really care what’s in front of them, they just ‘make it awesome.’

Adults start to see an experience, or even a potential experience, and they may have a learned tendency to label everything as ‘bad’ or ‘worthless.’ You can almost hear their thoughts churning: "This is value", "this isn’t value", "this is good", "this is bad", "this isn’t worth my time", "this is worth my time", and so on.

If you left an adult a cardboard box in their home, most people would respond something like, "this is clutter in my house and why would you even leave this here?" But if leave a child a cardboard box, they either A) appreciate the gesture, B) Appreciate the cardboard box, C) ignore it because they know it won’t hold them back or it will be useful to someone or gone soon, or D) turn it into a wicked fort to play with.

Those are the options for kids! ‘Value’, ‘value’ or ‘more value!’ Kids are truly creative geniuses. Artists can create beautiful things out of anything, out of any tool, and you were a kid once, you know deep down this talent is within you.

Do It For You

Many people are too lazy to exercise their cerebellums, and think more effective, more creative, more value-producing thoughts. It’s so much easier to default to patterns and habits of hate, dismissal or rejection instead actively reaching for, or creating, value from, well, ‘bullshit.’

There’s very, very good reasons for doing this though, not the least of which is that it is a founding tenet of thought-management and thought-mastery. Seeing awkward experiences as having value allows us to express words of appreciation and kindness to others involved, or related to the experience. It also allows us to embrace our creativity and to alter our own moods. Instead of being put off balance and feeling miserable about a certain event, we can feel joyful that it happened, that it had some (or a lot!) of value for the world, and we can continue rocking life and spreading smiles and all other sorts of good things. Reaching for value helps you, as well as everyone else.

So Start Now

All children don’t doubt that they are artists and creators of value, and all adults can consciously understand this as well. The trick is learning how to create value out of bullshit. We were all kids once and we all still have access to the skills we had instinctually when we were little. It’s like learning to ride a bike, you never forget how to see value in others… unless you wanna…

… remember?

*Photo: Clement Soh

On this lovely rainy, refreshing day I finished up my little blurb on crying. I would love and appreciate any and all feedback you have. Much love, guest poster Melodie Moon.

I cry.
I cry alone.
I cry in front of people.
I cry to grow.
I cry to let go.
I cry because just like after a cold shower…
I feel refreshed after and ready to take on the world

For most of my childhood I was told I was over sensitive. I was bullied a lot and I cried about it. Now looking back I am grateful for my own courage to cry. If I did not cry about it then, I would still be carrying around that hurt today. As children we are taught that crying is not acceptable, then taught how to bottle up our feelings so we don’t ‘burden’ our care-givers with our crying.

Crying is my strength, as it yours. It is our strength to overcome pain and discomfort. Crying is my body letting me know that my nervous system is relaxed enough to let go of pain and tension. Crying can also be a source of connection. When you cry together about a loss, be it a relationship or loved one, there is a mutual growth through crying which bonds you together.

When I cry around others there is this awkwardness. No one seems to know what do around someone that is crying. Should I leave? Do you need a kleenex? Should I say random things to try and make you feel better? Dammit, I don’t know what will make you feel better. There is the need to fix the crying person. The crying person does not need to be fixed. The crying person is healing right there in front of you and it is beautiful.

Tips on how to handle someone who is crying.

For the Masculine.
There is a good chance crying makes you feel really uncomfortable. That’s okay, when faced with something the masculine cannot logically fix, he gets this fight or flight response. Whoever is crying in front of you is most likely aware of this. Try and embrace your being uncomfortable. If it is open to you, try and move beyond it to where you are there to comfort and support the person who is crying.

For the Feminine
Most of the time we end up seeing our friends cry, a lot. You could be super comfortable with this or it could make you feel really awkward. Either way embrace where your at and appreciate that you care for this person enough to want to share in their growth.

Whoever is crying in front of you is either going to let you in or want to bite your head off, sometimes a bit of both. Respect where the crier is at and let them know you are there for support, a hug or a pat on the back. Trust your instincts on if they are telling you to go away because they truly want to be alone or because they are embarrassed.

It’s huge that you let them know in any way you can, that it’s okay that they are crying (saying “Everything is going to be okay” usually stems from a need to “fix” the crying person. Try and avoid this, if you can. You don’t need to fix them, just being there and supporting their healing is huge.) Say things like “I understand where you’re coming from”. We have all been hurt in someway or another so this would be a true statement coming from anyone. Agree with them and support them in their pain and growth.

We love being held, stroked or shown physical signs of love. This comes from childhood where we were held and soothed when we cried, didn’t that feel great? Sometimes we still need that soothing love in our lives. Whatever your comfort is, try finding a way to show the crier that they are loved and cared for. Hugging, rubbing someones back, holding their hand, giving them a massage, anything that feels right to you.

If there is a time concern, try and make the person laugh in anyway you can. Being completely outrageous and ridiculous really helps.

Three key points to remember when you encounter someone that is crying.

-Respect where they are at
-Let them know its okay that they are crying (trying to avoid them them its going to be “okay”)
-Show them supportive love the best way you know how

Thank-you for reading this. I can’t wait for the day when crying is accepted as a part of life and growth.

A few great resources that inspired me to write this.

Phoenix Tools – Crying Is Healing

Emax Health – Crying

The Experience Project – Can’t Get Close

How many times in your life has it been when a total stranger meets you and brightens your day with just 3 little words? They probably weren’t the words: “I love you”, but whatever they said, it must have felt like it, right?

I’m blessed with being hit by a lot of these words everyday of my life. From my supportive family, to my awesome friends and especially strangers and even animals that I meet, I am always feeling it.

How many times a day do you shower words of light to other people, that will have a rippling impact of joy throughout them and everybody they meet in a day?

If the answer is 0, you probably aren’t having that much fun in your life.

A simple trick does it for me, when I find that I’m not having fun. I ask myself, what is the most outrageous act of kindness that I can do?

And like a bag of chips, after you have one, you can’t help but have them all

Whatever you label it, ("protecting myself", "guarding myself", "closing up", "shutting down", "shielding myself"
, "putting up walls/barriers", "blocking", etc.) and whether you’re talking about physically, mentally, emotionally, vibrationally, or what have you, it’s all DEFENSIVENESS. It’s guarding and shielding, and for most people, it’s a weak-ass choice.

It sucks.

For most people, (probably you.)

So cut it out.

Why does it suck? Well…

1. If I Defend Myself, I Am Attacked.

From A Course In Miracles: "Who would defend himself unless he thought he were attacked, that the attack were real, and that his own defense could save himself? And herein lies the folly of defense; it gives the illusions full reality, and then attempts to handle them as real. It adds illusions to illusions, thus making correction doubly difficult. And it is this you do when you attempt to plan the future, activate the past, or organize the present as you wish."

Sometimes I go out into the world and I hang with the shittiest clients, the most negative people, suicidal, depressed, whatever, and I do it for the right amount of time, I do it with love, and I fear nothing about them. And so far, that attitude has never let me down. I apply it to close acquaintances too, I embrace their repetitive cycles of worry, fretting, and negativity for as long as feels appropriate, I don’t ever, ever, EVER worry they’re going to affect me, influence me, or bring me down, but I listen to my heart, soul, and mind and where they are all saying "J. Leave." I do so happily, and ready to spend time with them again if called for it.

From Goethe: "Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself;
he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him."

2. Abundance and Defensiveness Don’t Mix.

From Jesus: "You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." —Matthew 5:38-42, NIV

This is the ultimate attitude of abundance. Abundance of health, wealth, and spirit. Someone truly abundant in these things feels free to perform everything Jesus suggested. Someone who is not will have difficulty and resistance to these ideas, arguing and justifying reasons they should not give or remain open and loving. If the deepest joy and grandest thing you can do is to refuse or reject someone, do it, but do it consciously, knowing full well it’s the best thing for all.

3. Vulnerability and Defensiveness

From Osho: "If you are really vulnerable, nothing is negative for you – because the negative is your interpretation. Nothing is harmful to you – because the harmful is your interpretation. If you are really open, then nothing can harm you, nothing can be felt as harmful. You feel something is negative and something is harmful because you resist, because you are against it, because there is no acceptance of it. This has to be deeply understood.

The enemy exists there because you are protecting yourself against him. The enemy is there because you are not open. If you are open, then the whole existence is friendly; it cannot be otherwise. Really, you will not even feel it as friendly – it is simply friendly. There is no feeling even that it is friendly, because that feeling can exist only with the contrary feeling of enmity."

What Osho is saying may seem a tad obtuse, but it’s spot on.

I see my connections with everyone as relationships, but I label neither friend nor enemy. The temptation to label friend and enemy, higher and lower, weaker and stronger, is huge for many people, but there always comes a time when this understanding no longer serves, and is replaced by something greater. My family, friends, and fans are not labelled in my mind. I use the words to tell stories and explain things to others. There is the understanding that all are simply people, and all are serving a purpose in a co-operative universe — that only feels like hell, feels negative, feels off, when you are not opening, not surrendering, and not co-operating.

4. Defensiveness is Unconscious

Defensiveness is the unconscious effort to protect the self from anxiety (or new ideas), either through diversionary and intimidation tactics or by distortions of reality. When a person is at peace with life and death, when they are at peace with their moments on earth, and conscious of their deepest joy and purpose, they acknowledge when their time has come and nothing is a threat to them.

5. Defensive People Weaken Themselves with Their Defensiveness

From Osho: "A master will not be able to function if you are not surrendered. You will not open up, you will not allow him passage, you will protect yourself even against him, you will be defensive even against him, you will keep a distance, you will not allow him too close an approach to you. Then there is no possibility…Weaklings can never surrender, remember. Weaklings continuously go on fighting. They are afraid of their weakness; they know that they are weak. They cannot afford surrender – only very strong people can. This is my experience here. Whenever a strong person comes to me he is always ready to take a jump, and whenever a weak coward comes he talks and thinks and broods and finds rationalizations and explanations. And you can always find explanations, mind is very fertile for that. For lies the mind is very fertile; for truth it is impotent."

How many people in your life are going to trash-talk you, try to poke holes in you, or distance themselves from you? You are alive for so many moments, you meet so many people; how many of them are going to dance a jig and embrace your soul as if it was their own? It doesn’t matter, but what does matter is how you handle whoever comes your way. If you observe their defensiveness you can bristle in response, or soften with a laugh, a smile, and a pat on their head, for you can observe their own fear weakening them, like a child afraid to dip a toe in the water.

6. No Matter What It Looks Like, Everyone’s Deepest Joy is the Promotion of Harmony.

If there is some idea, action, energy, feeling, or vibration you feel you need to protect yourself from or run from or guard yourself from, you are telling the world this is something you are not harmonized with.

What sounds better to you?

"The radiant girl is harmonized with everything and everyone. She may choose to be (or be away from) something at a given time — out of love — knowing consciously and fully, with love in her heart that it’s the best move for all involved."

Or…

"The girl felt hurt by something she didn’t fully understand or investigate, and she reacted defensively."

I know which sounds best to me

7. When Dealing With A Defensive Person, Arguing and Resisting Stalls Change

Instead try:

• Let them know that you believe they are competent and worthy of their position.
• Become an attentive listener, paying attention to both verbal and nonverbal messages. Reflect what the person has said by paraphrasing (ie, “what I am hearing is that you feel…”).
• Never argue with someone who is in a mode of defensiveness.
• Keep in mind that defensive people usually are acting from their subconscious and that they generally are not trying to create problems or difficulty. Defensive people often are working from a self-protective instinct and are trying to avoid others attacking them by pre-emptively attacking others first.
• Do not expect the following actions to work—changing the subject, trying to interject humor into the conversation, or attempting to soothe the defensive person.
• Avoid absolutes, such as “you never” or “you always.”
• Move toward defensive people, not away from them, which proves that you are interested in improving the situation. Our natural inclination is to move away from defensive people, but this often compounds the problem by making them become more critical of us. 
• Never try to hide your intentions from defensive people, because they are extremely sensitive to this type of manipulation and can discern it more easily than the average person. Speak without hesitation, using neutral language without accusation, whenever possible. Always focus on the issue and not on the person.
• Know that attempts to comfort defensive people by stating that they are too anxious and need to calm down will backfire. To defensive people, this means that you are not accepting them as they are, and that you are attempting to change or alter them, even during stressful times.
• Do not play into the defensive individuals’ demands to explain yourself. Defensive people often use this technique to validate their position, by making it sound as though you either do not know what you are talking about, or you are making excuses for yourself or others. Keep your explanations to a minimum, and do not allow yourself to become emotionally upset by these demands. 

The funny thing is, a defensive person is NOT extending you any or all of the above mentioned courtesies, so be ready to show extra love and ready for what may seem like a challenge.

*List from http://eqi.org/

**Note: Defensive people who maintain this position in the face of your highest level of compassion, can be emotionally draining for some.

Conclusion

This whole thing was originally inspired by Erin Pavlina’s article on Guarding Your Vibration, but it got me thinking so much about ‘guarding’ of any kind, that I just ran with it. It applies to vibration too, the whole high-vibration / low-vibration thing is really just ‘friend’ / ‘enemy’ in disguise. It has it’s uses for explaining some concepts, but that way of thinking a) focuses less on the appreciation of the absolute exquisite beauty and perfection of all vibrations of life and b) it also focuses less on appreciation for the power of the observer to change *themself* and see that change reflected immediately in others outside them. Both of these things are powerful, amazing, core principles of life that completely and utterly trump labelling and judgement of high-vibration/low-vibration.

Don’t be defensive, for most of you readers, it sucks pretty hard as far as choices go. If you’re one of the rare few it feels fantastic for, more power to ya, guard away.

So yeah, some thoughts on defensiveness. Rock on, World-Shapers!