Posts made in October, 2008

All Is Creative: Attackers and Victims Block Creativity.

Posted by Jason Fonceca on Oct 14, 2008 in Conscious Creation, Life Coaching, Personal Growth, Relationships, Thought-Management | 2 comments

Why are things the way they are? are we a product of our surroundings? if we are abused as children must we live merely as a product of that abuse? why don’t we always get what we want? who is at fault?

in this article, i’m going to discuss a major block to living creatively, the relationship between abuser and victim, because that relationship is often what prevents growth, the formation of new ideas, or avenues for different solutions, and so on.

how many times have you heard someone say that they “can’t” take steps towards a desire that they have, or expand their skillset or creative horizons “until they _____” (fill in the blank.) victims tend to feel at the mercy of all their outside surroudings, completely and monumentally incapable of exerting even the smallest change in their situation or lives, or they automatically assume that such a change if implemented would be negligible and “not make a difference.” they feel the world is unfair and refuse to take responsiblity for it.

examples of the victim mentality

-“ginger complains she can’t make more money until women’s/minorities place in the world is improved.” — so she wait for rights to improve.

-“raph tells me he won’t be able to find a good woman until he has a good job.” — so he doesn’t even try, interestingly though, a characteristic he attributes to a good woman is one that doesn’t care too much about money.

-“donna says she can’t lose weight until i’m out of this abusive relationship.” — but donna won’t leave the relationship until she’s sure she won’t be alone, so its a catch 22.

abusers generally feel powerless deep-down and want to feel powerful or loved and that there are no alternatives to taking what they want at others expense. they take and hold onto anything that’s even remotely good to them, and gripping so tightly, they often settle for a sub-standard version of what they really want or they close themselves off to many opportunities for more. victims sometimes feel that abusers “have it good,” (in fact askmen.com even has an article teaching the skill of intimidation) taking advantage of others, but generally, it does not feel good to behave the way they do, there is a feeling of inferiority. the trend with abusers is interrogation, intimidation, and aggression.

examples of the abuser mentality:

-“oh you’ll never get ahead that way, do such and such like i do or you’ll be a loser.” — they think all about winning, losing, competing and are happy to step on others while doing so.

-“do you want to lose me? huh? do you? do you want to end up alone on the streets?” — they will paint (often loudly and aggressivley) intimidating pictures to manipulate others into doing what they want.

-“why would you DO something like that? i would’ve done it like this.” — a subtler example, notice the tendency to negate others steps in life and exert domination, control, and superiority.

how do these types of behaviour stifle creativity? they have a tendency to lock people into cycles, which take progressively more energy to break out of and it can be a long journey to get past them (unless a threshold is broken and someone ‘snaps’, then it usually occurs quickly and sometimes violently.) it is generally a rare thing to find a musician/artist/dancer in a dead end job and an unhealthy abusive relationship who is successfully creating beautifully. instead they are generally tired, unmotivated and stuck in a routine. the reasons may vary when you talk to these people about their desires and passions from “oh i just don’t have the time” to “it takes too much work” to “my partner doesn’t support it/want it so i don’t do it” and so on, but the end result is the same, they take zero active steps towards their goal.

life has ways of taking care of these issues, whether pushing someone to their breaking point, guiding them to articles that may break the cycle or plant the seed for them to change their views, or something even more subtle, so its not a big deal. mainly i want to share that there may be more pleasant ways to avoid the situation altogether or learn about it quickly and efficiently. some of these lessons i learned myself took a little longer than i’d have chosen now that i know what i know .

mass examples in society

some very common situations look at mass victim-abuser mentality, and are all generally considered controversial semi-taboo subjects where i live: rape, slavery, class-distinction, feminism, gay-rights, single-mothers, immigrants, sexual abuse, alcoholism/addiction, etc. in regards to these subjects it is not uncommon for me to hear things like:

-”oh, they are asking for it when they get raped.”

-”they deserve it after putting up with years of slavery.”
-”that person was abused as a child, they just can’t help themselves.”
-”understand they do not have control over the situation, they are literally being forced or coerced.”

these issues usually bring out strongly divided opinions when discussed, for one side or another, one sympathizing passionately for the victim and the other rampantly justifying the attacker’s behaviour. i find it extremely rare to see a kind-hearted, open, honest discussion of the small and large choices each role makes in the victim-abuser relationship.

personal examples

whether you’re familiar with the above types of behaviour or not, throwing blame around and interrogating others are things i’ve encountered from time to time, and things i’ve done myself in the past, and while doing so i basically got myself stuck in life. uncreative, stagnant, and settling. i will share a couple personal examples where i will focus on my role in this, but there is a flipside and the other people i interacted with in these situations had their own responsibilities in the matter.

i made very little art while i was busy being miserable about circumstances or being tired from the hoops i was ‘forced’ to jump through by others all day. i settled for low wages despite knowing deep down i could, should, and would earn far more doing what i truly wanted. when i put that mentality aside and trusted myself (and the world) that i would be ok and did not need to depend on abusive bosses, non-paying clients and mundane workplaces to survive, i realized that death was not something to fear and that the fear (so much fear) itself is what held me back from creatively thriving. that’s all i did, i just chose not to depend on things i had learned to depend on. somehow in life i’d gotten the impression that any job was better than no job, and that putting up with shit was a virtue. i made the very small-and-yet-large-at-the-same-time choice to no longer think that way. many things have happened since then that never would’ve occurred if i’d kept banging my head against a wall in the same cycle. now i face challenges everyday and limitations that force me to think out of the box but it is not a crushing miserable weight, it is a pleasant pressure, like a slight push or guide in the right direction.

an example of some aggressive behaviour i’d engaged in my life is that i was unable to appreciate the massive amounts of beautiful women available to me for a while because i was too focused and too busy trying to mould and control and force one relationship into being what i wanted instead of being open to tons of others. pointed questions and tense exchanges were the norm, and i am sure i wasn’t helping others feel good nor myself. it went on for sometime because like a classic abuser mentality, i was “worried that this would be my only chance to have the relationship i wanted.” eventually, when i grew past that and let it all go, extremely quickly i became a magnetic power for the type of relationship and people i felt good about. these days i tend to have an excess of beautiful women, inside and out and wonderful family friends and clients i get along with in my life and i only see more on the horizon.

why was i stuck in these conditions that did not feel right and good and desirable to me? because my choices kept me stuck that way. only when i made different choices, did the situation change. acknowledgement of this simple principle changed my life and i am so grateful.

what can be done?

choose differently; everything in life is a choice. if you know you are stuck in a victim mentality of blaming others and feeling helpless, acknowledge that you are a person with mind, heart, body and that it takes two people to create the abuser-victim relationship and we all have our part in it. make a creative choice to stop complaining about your life and see what happens. experiment with smiling when you wake and before you sleep everyday for a week and see what happens. consider hugging someone when you feel they are abusing you, maybe they could use it, see what happens. there are tons and tons and tons of choices and actions that are easy and subtle and small steps that can have drastic and almost surreal results.

if you know that you intimidate others and don’t have very close relationships, take a baby step to change the cycle. resolve to share at least one personal thing with someone you wish you had a better relationship with (son, partner, friend, stranger, etc.) each month. if you feel the need to bully people and take advantage to get what you want, make a creative decision and try letting go of what you want: that promotion you trash-talk others in order to get, perhaps try waiting a bit or even recommending another person for the job and see what happens — you might not get the promotion, but you might be chosen for a better position weeks later for speaking nicely of others. too difficult? try something extra-simple like telling your mirror every morning that “you are truly loved and do not need to hoard or take from others,” then you can still continue on the cycle as you’re used to, just make that tiny 10 second change in your morning routine and see what happens.

people can be creative, experiment, and use their power and beautiful ability to choose, to try something different…

…or they can continue in the same vein they’ve been behaving in up til now.

we all have the choice

take care,
-j.

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